Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Let Me Help You Help Me part 4


I think this may be the last post.  Not that there isn't more to say, but I think I will just start repeating myself.  Although I like to hear myself speak, this is all in my head and I don't say it out loud.  
In the past, Brandy and I have always been a support system for people in certain situations.  I think the pastor in me spilled over to her (or vice versa) and we were always the counselors.  I think God may be using Brandy's death like that again. 
For sure it has put a new light on marriage and relationships for some of our friends.  But in another way, I think people coming up to talk to Julia and I get some therapy. 
One lady that we know through family more or less cornered Julia this weekend expressing her condolences and saying she knows what it's like because she lost 2 husbands and mom, etc, etc.  It was interesting because at church that morning she had just given us both a hug, said sorry for your loss, and that was it.  I leaned over to Julia and told her "that's how you do it."  Then that evening she became everyone else. 
I had a woman at work this was the 1st time meeting her.  We talked for 5 minutes and she "just had to give me a hug."  I didn't need a hug, not that I will object to a pretty woman giving me a hug.  I think she needed a hug. 

And that's where I am on this.  Maybe Julia and I doing good is therapy for these other people.  If it is, great.  I love to be able to get people back on the right track.  Who knows.  I don't reject people coming up and talking to me.  I love talking about Brandy.  If you have a story about her, let's talk. 

-Sean

Saturday, November 08, 2014

Let Me Help You Help Me part 3

First, I want to the thank the person that created text messages.  For both Julia and I that was the best thing in the world.  the week after Brandy died we didn't want to talk to anyone.  It didn't matter who it was.  Texting was the best.  by boss got it.  The CEO of my company got it.  Some people didn't.  But I can tell you, texting kept us alive.

Everybody goes through a different journey in times like this...and life in general.  Your journey will not be the same as mine.  I think I am normal, but I also think everyone should be just like me.  It would make the world run a lot smoother. 

I was thinking about relationships this week.  I don't know when the right time will be for me to start dating.  Hell, I don't even know how to date.  Brandy and I met in college.  We got married a couple years later.  We were married 20 years.  I could date Bandy because I knew her inside and out.  Everything she liked, what she wanted to do, etc, etc.  Meeting someone new does not put confidence in my future.  I think I would go celibate, but I like women and sex too much to do that. 

"For I know the plans I have made for you."

Now that I am 42, I know what I will be looking for.  A Christian girl, that has a great personality. Likes to sit around the house relaxing but likes to go out looking beautiful. One who likes country music. One who doesn't have a chip on her shoulder and can take it and dish it back out.  One who loves family.  A girl who loves to laugh, at me/with me/ and love me for who I am.

but then again, what do I know.  Oh how God has surprised me in the past (as he has most people). 

Things not to say: "Now you can date such and such..."  This was said to a friend of mine.  "You need to get back out there..."  It will happen when it happens. 

When is the right time?  It's different for everyone, and I don't think anyone really knows.  It's like having kids.  You are never really ready, but here they come and you will make the most of it. 

It's a weird feeling being single.  I don't know what to make of it.  Hopefully I will figure it out and be awesome in this like I'm awesome in everything else.

-Sean


Friday, November 07, 2014

Let Me Help You Help Me part 2

I guess there is going to be a part 2.  I wasn't sure if it was going to happen or not.  This one will probably be shorter than the last one. 

"How are you doing?"  That question has become the very last one I want to hear.  think about it this way.  You are walking through the office and you see someone you have not seen in a few days or even since yesterday.  You ask politely "how are you doing?"  Do you really want them to tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help them God? 

Of course not.  They start into a story that resembles the orange juice commercial.  The lady is sitting around the table with all the people that are going to slow her down or she is going to have problems with today.  In the end she is glad she had her OJ today.  No you are expecting "fine", "good", "better than I ought to be". We all are expecting that. 

Then why would you give me those sad eyes like you are having pity on me and ask "how are you doing" expecting me to tell you all about it?  Maybe you want the whole thing and you think it will help "me".  Let me stop you there.  It won't.  Probably (or maybe) you need it for yourself.  You started thinking about your life and death more.  If I can make it though then you can make it though.  Good for you.  Passing in the hall is not the place for that.  If you need counseling, we can have lunch. 

Probably the most annoying is when I say "fine" or "good" or "better than I ought to be" I get those "he's such a strong man holding it together like that" look.  That's a condescending look.  stop it. just stop it.

Here's how it will go down.  If I am close enough to you, I will tell you the truth about how it is.  That means you are a close friend, confidant, or we have another connection.  There are two guys in my church that lost there wives in the past year.  We have a connection we didn't have before.  My best friend and I have a connection.  A couple guys that I have become close to. 

Now that doesn't mean you and I cannot connect and get together and build that friendship.  You will see when things like this happen that previous friendships will fade away and new ones will emerge.  And I don't want you to avoid me like I have ebola.  If we were talking in the past, we can still talk after a funeral.

So let me tell you.  I am doing fine.  Good in fact.  So is my daughter Julia.  We are not curled up in a ball in the corner crying ourselves to sleep.  We laugh. We play.  We pick on each other.  It's just like any other day in my house.  We talk about Brandy.  We miss her.  When I say I know she is in a better place....I do.  We both want her back, but we both move forward.  We are not moving on.  Brandy helped us become who we are. 

How are you doing today.  Hopefully, "everyday is a holiday."

-Sean

Thursday, November 06, 2014

Let Me Help You Help Me

I don't know if this is going to be a series, a one time post, or if I will even finish this one.  It's been years since I have posted on my blog, and although I have had fleeting interest in returning, it never happened.

This post is about grief.  Well, it's about my grief, but really about what you can do with it.  My beautiful wife Brandy died on August 31, 2014.  It's been just over 2 months.  We were married 20 years ago.  We started dating in college.  And we have a wonderful 18 year old daughter, Julia.  We were awesome together.

But now she is gone from the living to be with God.  I can say with all sincerity and honesty that I know that's true.  I know there is a God and I know Brandy is with God.  Christianity doesn't have to be really deep and hard to understand.  Some people want to make it hard so they have a reason to reject it.  Brandy liked to get a little deep sometimes, but mostly just wanted the facts.  We had some good discussions after Pete's preaching on Sundays.

This post is about Me helping You help Me.  I wanted to write this post because losing a spouse or a child is different than losing a parent.  Really they are all different and every grieves differently, but this is about me :o).  My dad died 2 years ago.  My father-in-law died 4 or 5 years ago.  My step dad died 7 years ago.  My grandfather died 8 years ago.  I could have those last two off by a year or so, but you get the picture.  It hurt when all those people died.  But this is different.

I have a two friends that lost children...young children.  I have a few friends that lost spouses.  Although you know when you get married that one of you will die before the other. Unless you are related to Thelma and Louis.  But it's not something you think about or consider.  I know you know because you buy life insurance.  Brandy and I never talked about death.  We talked about retirement and where we may possibly be.  Why would we talk about death.

That's just a downer.  And really if you are a guy and your wife asks you what you will do if she dies first, your answer will probably be "go celibate and blind because I eyes and hands can never see a beautiful creature as you."  Any other answer will be unacceptable.  Your answer should not go like this:

"Dear," asked a wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.
After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
I have no regrets.  We had 20 years of awesome marriage.  Of course there were rough patches.  But 1. They were overshadowed by all the great times, and 2. if you don't have rough patches in your marriage, you are not really married.  This is not a business relationship where each partner puts in 50%.  marriage is 1+1=1 billion because you go all in. 

Some people believe they did something horrible right before their spouse died, or didn't love of them enough, or didn't say a good thing right before, etc, etc.  The night Brandy died, I kissed her on the head in the office, told her I loved her, and went to bed.  However, even if that was the one night I didn't tell her I loved her with those being the last words I spoke, I don't have regrets.  I can't.  If I start second guessing anything I did, I will drive myself crazy.  And again, we had a great 20 years.  I would give up all my possessions to have her back, but that won't happen. 

Last thing on this post.  What do YOU say?  Please please please, do not say over and over and over "I'm so so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."  I heard you the first time.  I understand you are sorry for my loss. Also, Don't go into a speech about how you don't know what you would do in my shoes, don't know how I am handling it, etc".  You are not helping.  I know you think you are, but it makes me want to punch you in the face.  I don't wish this on anybody.  The best way I can describe it..."It sucks".  Just say "I'm sorry.  She was an awesome woman.  I am a better person just by knowing her.  Her heart was pure and always willing to be there for anyone." 

What can YOU do?  Well first, don't tell my daughter to call your daughter to go hang out.  Again I know you don't know what to say, but that's just stupid.  If our kids don't hang out together ever, then don't expect my daughter to reach out.  If your daughter does want to connect, she should do it.  But it needs to be organic, not forced.  Don't tell my daughter "well at least you have so many other moms" just because we are in a home school group.  And the other one who asked while leaving the funeral home "You should come over next weekend.  Can you babysit the kids."  Both of those are just idiotic. 

I know you have no idea what to say.  There is no class @ church or in school that tells you how to behave around people who have lost a loved one.  Let's try this:

1. What does my family always have when you see us?  Get us a Sonic gift card.  And say "I was at Sonic and started thinking about your family.  Brandy always had a smile ready for anyone and she always had a Sonic cup.  Here."
2. Say I'm sorry.  She was great. If later you have a great memory to tell about her, let's have it.
3. Don't stay away thinking "He needs his space." If we are friends, then let's get together.  If we are acquaintences, then maybe we will become friends.  As long as you don't keep dwelling on my wife's death.

Maybe that will help.  maybe not.  who knows.