This post is about grief. Well, it's about my grief, but really about what you can do with it. My beautiful wife Brandy died on August 31, 2014. It's been just over 2 months. We were married 20 years ago. We started dating in college. And we have a wonderful 18 year old daughter, Julia. We were awesome together.
But now she is gone from the living to be with God. I can say with all sincerity and honesty that I know that's true. I know there is a God and I know Brandy is with God. Christianity doesn't have to be really deep and hard to understand. Some people want to make it hard so they have a reason to reject it. Brandy liked to get a little deep sometimes, but mostly just wanted the facts. We had some good discussions after Pete's preaching on Sundays.
This post is about Me helping You help Me. I wanted to write this post because losing a spouse or a child is different than losing a parent. Really they are all different and every grieves differently, but this is about me :o). My dad died 2 years ago. My father-in-law died 4 or 5 years ago. My step dad died 7 years ago. My grandfather died 8 years ago. I could have those last two off by a year or so, but you get the picture. It hurt when all those people died. But this is different.
I have a two friends that lost children...young children. I have a few friends that lost spouses. Although you know when you get married that one of you will die before the other. Unless you are related to Thelma and Louis. But it's not something you think about or consider. I know you know because you buy life insurance. Brandy and I never talked about death. We talked about retirement and where we may possibly be. Why would we talk about death.
That's just a downer. And really if you are a guy and your wife asks you what you will do if she dies first, your answer will probably be "go celibate and blind because I eyes and hands can never see a beautiful creature as you." Any other answer will be unacceptable. Your answer should not go like this:
"Dear," asked a wife. "What would you do if I died?"I have no regrets. We had 20 years of awesome marriage. Of course there were rough patches. But 1. They were overshadowed by all the great times, and 2. if you don't have rough patches in your marriage, you are not really married. This is not a business relationship where each partner puts in 50%. marriage is 1+1=1 billion because you go all in.
"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.
After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
Some people believe they did something horrible right before their spouse died, or didn't love of them enough, or didn't say a good thing right before, etc, etc. The night Brandy died, I kissed her on the head in the office, told her I loved her, and went to bed. However, even if that was the one night I didn't tell her I loved her with those being the last words I spoke, I don't have regrets. I can't. If I start second guessing anything I did, I will drive myself crazy. And again, we had a great 20 years. I would give up all my possessions to have her back, but that won't happen.
Last thing on this post. What do YOU say? Please please please, do not say over and over and over "I'm so so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." I heard you the first time. I understand you are sorry for my loss. Also, Don't go into a speech about how you don't know what you would do in my shoes, don't know how I am handling it, etc". You are not helping. I know you think you are, but it makes me want to punch you in the face. I don't wish this on anybody. The best way I can describe it..."It sucks". Just say "I'm sorry. She was an awesome woman. I am a better person just by knowing her. Her heart was pure and always willing to be there for anyone."
What can YOU do? Well first, don't tell my daughter to call your daughter to go hang out. Again I know you don't know what to say, but that's just stupid. If our kids don't hang out together ever, then don't expect my daughter to reach out. If your daughter does want to connect, she should do it. But it needs to be organic, not forced. Don't tell my daughter "well at least you have so many other moms" just because we are in a home school group. And the other one who asked while leaving the funeral home "You should come over next weekend. Can you babysit the kids." Both of those are just idiotic.
I know you have no idea what to say. There is no class @ church or in school that tells you how to behave around people who have lost a loved one. Let's try this:
1. What does my family always have when you see us? Get us a Sonic gift card. And say "I was at Sonic and started thinking about your family. Brandy always had a smile ready for anyone and she always had a Sonic cup. Here."
2. Say I'm sorry. She was great. If later you have a great memory to tell about her, let's have it.
3. Don't stay away thinking "He needs his space." If we are friends, then let's get together. If we are acquaintences, then maybe we will become friends. As long as you don't keep dwelling on my wife's death.
Maybe that will help. maybe not. who knows.
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